moon


tonight I do not feel like understanding;

my brain has shut off; my soul is exposed.. I am floating gently through time absorbing every detail emotionally. my reactions are slowly shying from reason and turning towards feeling. instinct. the rationality of the heart which is [in truth] irrational. 

I don’t know how long this will last, but I am wounded/

[dont go] 


Filed under: rant.  personal.  feelings.   1

bloody


I thought about the panic in your eyes; how powerless you were at my disposal. I smiled. Dead is better, my love.


Filed under: death.  feelings.  stuff i write.   2

goodbye


“You’re not real,” she whispered; her voice trailing off behind her. And as she stood tall above him, her eyes pooled with vast oceans. She began to float away… His arms reached out for her, his face turning to distant sorrow.

My eyes fluttered open.

I stared out at nothing, only four walls surrounded me—the floor littered with neatly composed clumps; everything had it’s purpose.

It was 9:00 am. I didnt have to turn around to tell that you were gone. The empty space under my covers reminded me that you didnt exist in the first place.

How did I get here?


Filed under: stuff i write.  feelings.   4

I need to escape.


Although I have been there a handful of times, it is finally settling in. I feel the need to be in France beyond the excitement of simply going. I need to escape what is known to me presently and explore the lands that hold my nostalgia. My mind is becoming a prison—a cage—drowning me in negative thoughts and worthless ideas: hate, anger, sorrow, regret.. (I can never escape)

To be anywhere but here, away from my loved ones and away from my friends is everything I need right now. I need time for myself, for my ideas to appropriate, for my hate to become inspiration and my sorrow to become unimportant. I need a distraction. This trip, this key of knowledge, is the perfect distraction. 

I am finally ready to leave.


Filed under: you dont care.  feelings.  vacation.   2

hoping you’ll read this someday;


You were the blue-eyed boy of my dreams.

I was so proud to call you my best friend; in the days when boys had germs and girls had cooties, you were still by my side everyday on the playground—you even shared your pudding with me when I had none. And at nap time, you laid your blue sleeping mat next to mine, and watched me as I fell asleep.

I remember those days after school, when you’d walk down the street to my house, and I’d teach you how to read. It was the same book every day… the one with the golden retriever on the front and the red binding.

I remember being afraid of your brother, for all of the times that he pulled pranks on me, and made me feel stupid. But you always let me know when it was safe to come out and play.

For almost seven years you were my best friend. We had every class together from day care until the second grade. 

Then you moved away from me.

And all that was left, were the memories of wild chases through the sunflower garden and grapefruit trees, the crinkly french fries for lunch and bike rides around the block. All that was left were your grandparents, who still live on my street, as reminders of my childhood created with you.

I wonder where you are now, what you look like. I wonder what your interests are now that we’ve grown and matured. I wonder what music you like, what clothes you wear, how your hair looks. I wonder what your astrology sign is; the one thing I can’t remember for the life of me is your birthday….

I hope some day I might see you again.
I always check from time to time when there’s a strange car parked on our street…

I wonder if you ever sometimes think of me, too.

I miss you.


Filed under: true story.  real life.  feelings.   4

there are several old feelings I wish to reveal to you,


but I was taught not to dwell on the past.

humm.

perhaps one day you will learn who I am.


Filed under: real life.  feelings.